Insecurity’s After A Brain Aneurysm

MY BRAIN ANEURYSM MADE ME UGLY

One day, my world came crashing down when I suffered from a ruptured brain aneurysm. I was rushed to the emergency room and spent weeks in the hospital fighting for my life. After several surgeries and weeks of recovery, I realized that my life would never be the same again. The physical scars were nothing compared to the emotional scars that I now carried. Even though I had my family and friends by my side, I felt lonely and scared like never before. This is the story of my journey, and the struggles that came along with it.

I know as a brain aneurysm survivor I should focus more on surviving than how I look but I don’t ever want him to see me ugly.  I don’t want to look in the mirror.  I’m too messed up.  My head is bald with thick deep scars all over the left half.  I look like Frankenstein.  Not even Mrs.  Frankenstein because I don’t have any hair.

My skin is so pale and dry.  I don’t remember how to fix myself.  I have such a hard time putting makeup on, taking a shower, getting dressed and then I’m so tired I have to sleep.  Everything’s so confusing.  

I'm completely broken.  I know death is a high risk for the first year but I want to die anyway.  I’m trying so hard to be me but I don’t know who I am.  I can’t remember what I said, what I did… I can’t remember things I do most of the time.  

When I write about what’s happening to me people act like I should be grateful.  I know what I’m doing is wrong but I don’t care.  I feel bitter.  I need to ignore my good memories.  It’s too hard.  I’ll never get that life back.  

I hope I can accept my new life.  I’m scared.   

Am I going to meet someone else? Am I ever going to be calm?  Will I ever accept this bullshit life?  I haven’t quite figured out how the hell I’m going to do that.  

It's understandable, I've been told, to feel lonely and insecure after experiencing an aneurysm. It's extremely a challenging time that's left me feeling vulnerable and scared. I know it's essential to remember that these feelings are only temporary. It may take time to adjust, but I feel so alone in this journey. They tell me to find support and consider speaking with a therapist to help navigate this difficult time but I'm exhausted. It's easy for others to tell me I'm not ugly, but I feel in worthy of love and belonging.